Wednesday, July 21, 2010



By Richard "RJ" James

Before the door is even fully open, you can smell the stench of Malloy and his sweaty junk. Thankfully, he is fully clothed this time around, but that does little to calm the nerves you feel seeing him again in such a cramped space.

Saleen snaps to attention, throwing in a salute for good measure, as Malloy enters the room.

“Are we ready for the operation?” Malloy’s voice is full of arrogance and male pride. Mayhap that would quickly change if Saleen knew that, when kicked in the giblets, he hit the floor as if he had dropped a sandwich.

Malloy catches your eye and the smug smile slips from his face as if it was greased.

“You!” He wheezes, and even at this distance, you catch a whiff of garlic. In fact, the smell seems to be emanating from the man in general.

As fast as you can, you whip out your laser pistol and fire a warning shot that goes just a little awry. Actually, the blast from your laser pistol comes within a hair’s breadth of castrating Malloy. Wafting over the top of the garlic aroma pouring into the room from Malloy, there is the scent of singed pubic hair.

“Right. Now that I have you attention, I want you to listen to me.” The words are having a hard time coming out of your mouth. You are still in a state of shock that the laser pistol worked.

Malloy sidles into the room. Both his hands are covering his crotch, which is still slightly smoking. Saleen crosses her arms over her considerable cleavage and looks down at you with disdain.

“I know what you’re planning and I’m not going to let you get away with it. I’ll hand you over the GBI and let them deal with you.”

“PAH!” spits Malloy, and not just in the figurative meaning either; he actually clears his throat and spits a wad of greenish phlegm at you. The wet lumpy mass splats across your face. As you wipe your face with your arm, you realize that you made a mistake almost as big as being held up with a finger, with or without the PEW sound.

Sure enough you feel a quick flash of heat and the arm that’s holding your laser pistol is now wriggling on the floor. You look down at you arm in shock. Malloy’s voice sounds again, but you miss most of what is said; all you know is it included the words “Galactic Swirly.” Knowing that this cannot possibly be good you turn to run, but Saleen’s strong arms lift you effortlessly from the floor. She drags you toward the bathroom, where you see the fate that awaits you.

The toilet doesn’t look like it’s been cleaned out in a while and again you can taste the after effects of the chicken curry from last night. Your head is forced under the murky water. You can feel the merciless boot of the Amazonian Saleen on the back of your neck.

You struggle with all your one-armed might but to no avail; with the taste of pre-owned chicken curry in your mouth and within kissing distance of a floater lurking round the U-bend you expire and pass from the galaxy… which is really for the best when you think about it. If you could think about it. But you can’t, because you’re dead… in a toilet.




  1. Nothing is worse than seeing your life flushed down the toilet. Shit happens, as they say.

  2. Probably the WORST way to go... I may have throw up a little on this one. Great job!

  3. You can't go wrong with burnt pubes...

    You just can't.

    It's impossible.