Monday, January 24, 2011


By Yasamin Alisha

You take off behind the young man in front of you, clutching the communicator in your pocket.

That's it! You've... mmmfffphh really screwed up... grrggg... mrrrfff... damnit!” Thomas is screaming muffled phrases at you through your hand and two layers of fabric.

“Shut up! You're going to get me killed and then you aren't getting your stupid machine back, so just shut up for once, you damned windbag!” you growl into the communicator angrily.

“I'm sorry, did you say something?” Bonaparte asks as he turns a sharp corner, grabbing your elbow to take you with him.

“Oh, no, not at all. I'm just trying to survive.”

“Are not we all, friend?” He hustles you around another corner down a small alley and through a low door.

You stop and let your eyes adjust as the door is closed behind you. Thomas is being oddly quiet and the gravity of the situation starts to really kick in. You're stuck. You've just run off with one of the most famous conquerors in history. What the hell was Thomas thinking?!

“Quickly, they will be here soon,” Boneparte whispers from across the room.

You blink as you look around, finding him kneeling in a corner and holding up a trap door. You take to the stairs, as he seals the door above your heads.

As you reach the bottom of the stairs you realize you're not alone.

“Mon Dieu!” a soft, lilting voice says as you see her serving bowls of some strange stew.

“Marie, be calm. He's a friend.”

“Is it over? I see you are alive.” She runs to him and you try not to stare at her breasts, which barely stay confined in the top of her low collared, simple brown dress.

“It is. This is...” He turns to you and you shrug.

“Fred.” you mutter. “Uhhh... Do you have a bathroom down here?”

He directs you to the small hall leading to two other rooms: one a small bedroom, the other like an outhouse. You close the door behind you and pull out the communicator.

“Listen here, pal. You built a time machine in your freaking house next to your guest bedroom? What idiot does that!? You want to be a mad scientist you do it right; you build a proper lair like everyone else, preferably underground or in a mountain, or if you're lucky you'll find an unoccupied volcano! BUT NOOO, you had to build it in the shape of a damned shower in your house next to your guest room!”

Are you quite finished?” Thomas replies calmly.

“No. No I'm not. You deprived me of dinner, you jackass. You're lucky I didn't piss all over your stupid time machine! Get me out of here, and do it now!”
I need you to get back to the machine. I can instruct you on how to get back here, but you need to get back to the machine!”

“I'm kind of stuck right now, so I'm in charge here, pal. I'm on the run in France of all places, with Napoleon outside this door making kissy face with some hot chick. So As soon as I get back, I'll call you. I'm going to try not to step on any damned snails and change history any further than I've already done. Okay?”

Fine.” You can tell Thomas is angry but he has no choice and you like that idea.

You shove the communicator back into the little pocket of your puffy pants and head back out to Bonaparte. “Sorry, just a little stressed.”

“Understandable, my friend. I want to thank you for your help today. This is Marie, my love.” He points to the pretty girl with blonde curls who hands you a bowl of stew. You try not to stare at her, but God, is she hot.

“Hi there.”

“Hello.” She's shy and you can't help but like that.

“So where are you from? Your accent is impeccable.”

You reach up and cup your hand over the translator and blush. “Oh... here and there. I am a wanderer.” And apparently a really good liar, you can't help thinking to yourself.

You sit at the bench table and devour your stew. The lovers coo at each other as they feed each other and you can't help thinking about French girls and the ones you might be missing, hiding underground. “So, I need to get back to the glen where I left my... carriage... yeah.”

“Impossible for now. The palace guards are on the hunt. You will have to stay with us at least over night before you can go any further.”

“Oh that just sucks.” you mutter.

“Excuse me?” Bonaparte is staring at you strangely. “What is sucking?”

“Uhhh... Never mind.” Shit! You think to yourself. You'll have to watch your words around this guy. You don't need Napoleon walking around France screaming “It sucks!” instead of “Charge!”

“Shhh... they come.” Everyone stills as you hear the feet on the floorboards above you.

“We are looking for that upstart Bonaparte and a stranger with him! An accomplice in his murderous ways!” Guards are yelling at someone above you.

“There is no one here, but please feel free to turn my shop upside down as you do every time you feel the need to search for someone.” says the voice of an elderly woman. You can barely hear her but her tone is exasperated, even to you. There is much tumbling above you as the guards turn the shop upside down and leave.

“They sicken me, those palace pigs.” Bonaparte says as he eats his stew with anger.

“I want to fight them, now!” Marie is shaking a ladle above her head.

Mon Ami, we cannot. You will stay here, be safe and tomorrow I will take Fred back to the glen. I will return for you and we will run, you and me.”

The stew is finished and Bonaparte leads Marie to the small bedroom. He peeks his head out and says, “There is a pallet for you to sleep on by the fire and blankets for warmth. Sleep well and I will wake you early. Do not worry, we will get you back to your carriage.” and with that you are left alone.

You pull out the communicator and start to whisper, “Thomas . . . shhh, keep it down. Can you hear me?”


“I will be back at the time machine by morning and you can stop shitting bricks.”

Do not do anything stupid! You will change the face of time, you fool!

“Stop squawking at me. Everything will be fine.” You turn the volume on the communicator down and go to sleep.

As you doze, dainty hands wrap around your chest and you turn only to face Marie.

“You saved my Napoleon, no?” Her soft accent makes your toes curl as she lies next to you and presses her body to you.

“Not really. I just ran with him.”

“You do not have to lie to me.”

“Uhhh... Shouldn't you be in bed?”

“I am... Let us commence...”

Should you...

A: Sleep with Marie, hoping to get away with it?

B: Not sleep with Marie and tell Bonaparte that his woman isn't faithful?

C: Run like hell?

1 comment:

  1. Suitably epic, Yasamin, and very nicely played.