BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - SHOOTOUT AT THE E.T. CORRAL

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - SHOOTOUT AT THE E.T. CORRAL
by Jax Java

You urgently lead Sally toward Maggie, instructing Maggie to see Sally to the secret tunnel leading to the abandoned gold mine, “Get her out of here as fast as you can!” 

You barricade the door to the church and push as many pews as you can against it.  The hooves have slowed and you can hear voices shouting outside the steps.  You rush over to the altar and flip it over, revealing the secret cache of guns used to protect the church from marauders.  Loading up your tentacles with the finest weaponry God could make, you look up and see the two women staring at you with mouths gaping open.

“What are you waiting for?  GET OUT OF HERE NOW!”

The ladies turn and go to the preacher’s confessional, turning the lamp hanging by the door, which reveals a hidden panel entry to the tunnel.  With another glance of fear over their shoulders, they walk into the darkness. 

Relieved when you see the panel slide shut, you stride up the bell tower steps, taking them three at a time until you emerge in the blazing sun before the Biff and his posse in the courtyard below.

“I’m going to show you a real life close encounter of the third kind!” you shriek, raising your tentacles and taking aim.

The posse below raise their guns in retort. “Give her back and walk away,” Biff yells down the barrel of his gun.

“Not going to happen, not ever,” you yell back, cocking the guns and glaring against the sun.

“Game over! What are we going to do now? What are we gonna do?” Biff screamed back.

“How about we make a campfire, sing a couple of songs?” you sneer as you open fire, firing round after round of bullets in a storm of lead, gunsmoke and despair at the posse.

The posse dives and rolls out of range, firing back. You barely feel the bullets hitting you, as you continue firing until you run out of bullets.  You are woozy, your wounds mortal, you sway in the sun on top of the bell tower. You smile smugly to yourself knowing Sally is on her way to safety. Looking toward the sky and longing for home, you sway forward, over the railing and down the roof, dead before you hit the ground in the courtyard.