BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.4 - BURY THEM WITH THEIR TENTACLES ON

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.4 - BURY THEM WITH THEIR TENTACLES ON

by James McShane

The sheriff nurses his wound and throws you a look that suggests you’re off his Christmas card list for the foreseeable future. You shrug. You weren’t the type for Ho-Ho-Ho anyway. You have an important decision to make, though, and with Garlock on his way, you don’t have much time to think things through.

“As far as I can tell, sheriff,” you say, “you have two choices.”

“And what are they, pray tell?”

“You can stay here and die; or leave and possibly live.” You shrug. “Your call.”

The sheriff  hightails it out the saloon door. You then begin the process of dismantling the saloon’s interior and turning it back into your ship, by simply tapping the bottom of a beer tap with a serving spoon. This act opens a drawer beneath the counter, revealing a big red button that reads: Disengage Saloon Interior. Simple really. Once you press that, it’s all systems go.

The entire procedure takes about three minutes. Then another button gets pressed, the one labelled Lift Off, and within a moment, you are in the air and on your way to the mine. If the sheriff and everyone else got clear, good for them. If not, you’re not going to lose any sleep.

You look to the floor and see that Sally is out for the count. The activities of the last hour or so must have taken its toll on the young female. You wonder what you’re going to do about her, but eventually decide to leave her for later. It’s now time to remove all dead weight from the ground – and do it quickly. While Sally didn’t give you an exact schedule, you assume that Garlock won’t waste any time in getting here.

You make it to the mine quick enough. You manoeuvre the ship so as you’re above the entry point and you aim the ship’s guns there. You set phasers to kill.

“So long, suckers,” you chortle.

And then it all goes pear-shaped.

Not only has Sally woken up and is now pointing her own phaser at you (you should have taken the time to check her underclothes – women of all species have been known to hide anything in their pantaloons), but there is a rumble coming from the inside the mine.

“Open a radio channel,” Sally says. “You might be interested in what you hear next.”

Seeing that you don’t have much of a choice, you tap yet another button and a screen appears in front of you. A shimmering image appears, but it doesn’t take you long to realise that it’s Nee-Lin, the leader of the slave group down at the mine.

“Rachorin,” the former slave says. “I see you’ve come back to rescue us.” The sarcasm drips fiercely from his lips. “But you needn’t bother. We’ve worked out our own escape plan.” With that, the rumbling down below becomes more intense, and within minutes, the mine’s exterior falls away and you finally understand that while you were ministering the town’s inhabitants, your slaves have been building their own ship, using – be damned – the very material you sent them to mine.

Talk about taking your eye off the ball.

Or your eyes off the balls.

“Are you coming, Lestine?” Nee-Lin calls Sally by her given name.

“I thought you’d never ask,” she says. She gives you a quick peck on the top of your head. “We could’ve been good together,” she whispers. “But no, you always had your own agenda.” Then it’s her turn to shimmer, as Nee-Lin teleports Sally/Lestine back to the mine that is now an escape ship.

Your number is up. You look at the screen for the final time as a group of missiles head your way. If you had a god, you’d pray to it. But you don’t, so you don’t.

Time to die. 

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.3 - DIE ANOTHER DEATH

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.3 - DIE ANOTHER DEATH

by Mandy Ward

After squirming and slithering around for a bit, the chains, blindfold and gag are no longer an issue.

Sally stares at you. “But… I thought… you were a…”

“A what?” you ask, rising up on four of your eight tentacles to tower over her. “A hybrid like you?” you laugh. “I am so much more than that.”

Using the other four tentacles, you simultaneously chain Sally up, undress and flay the body of her father, then wrap the remains in the sheet, stowing it untidily under a bench near the back of the office, a blood trail leading from the table to the bench.

Sally looks at the neatly flayed skin you hold in one tentacle. “What are you going to do with that?”

I’m going to walk out of here.” You change back to human form and then extend your tongue tentacle to the skin. With a bit of concentration you reshape your human form to the genetic pattern held in the skin and change the skin’s form to match your original one.

Throwing the skin at her feet, you smile. “Try explaining that one.”

“But they’ll hang me for murder!” She looks at you, horrified as you gently put the gag into place.

“Yes, yes they will.” You dress yourself in her father’s clothes, leaving your normal clothes piled on the floor suggestively. “And you deserve it.”

Stopping beside the door, you listen to what is going on in the street. There appears to have been a cessation of the fight the sheriff was orchestrating so you decide to make your break for it.

Stepping boldly out of the door, you tip your hat to Sally “Thank you for the relief, Ma’am.” And shut the door behind you.

You unwrap the reins of your horse from the rail and mount, moving confidently and ignoring anyone else in the street.

Vmmmmmmm….

Oh shit. You think as you turn your head to see a seven foot tall figure in a long black coat and dusty black Stetson. “You. Hello Hunter.”

“It’s been a long time, Rachorin.” The figure waves a gun. “Get down off that horse and move over to the middle of the street, nice and slowly.”

“I’m not going back.” You say, staying where you are.

“Your Father insists.” The figure says, aiming the laser at you. “Get off the horse. I really don’t like killing dumb animals.”

Tentacles whip out from under the coat, taking you by surprise and yanking you off the horse, holding you with one leg. The figure grins, sharp teeth gleaming in the sunlight as it shakes you around.

“So much for just walking out of here.” You sigh and change form, your tentacles wrestling with his like a pair of octopi sharing a peanut butter jar. “Let go.

“No. I don’t have to take all of you back to your father remember.” The figure’s grin splits his head in half. “A single tentacle will be enough to clone you.”

You feel the sharp burst of pain as he shoots and severs one of your tentacles. He scoops the tentacle up, deposits it into a stasis jar and puts the jar into his coat pocket. “That should do it.”

You blink. “what now?”

His grin disappears. “How about we see how fast you can run?” He aims the laser at the dirt in front of you and fires, the heat of the blast cooking the dirt into solid clay.

In this form, not particularly fast. You gulp and change back to human form. Only to realise half way through the change, that the tentacle Hunter shot off was the one that formed your human head.

The last thing you see is the street fading into black and Hunter taking aim at you. The last thing you hear is the hum of the laser and the last thing you feel is intense agony as the human form you have taken on is turned into charcoal.

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.3 - STICK IT TO ME

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.3 - STICK IT TO ME

by Tomara Armstrong

The fact that you’ve never been able to hold your liquor or hide your admiration for curls and curves has compromised your human form, and you’re quickly turning into a writhing ball of amorous tentacles, allowing your chains to fall to the floor with ease.

Sally drops her stiletto in shock as a volcano of firewater erupts from the depths of your stomach, projecting the ball gag into her face, knocking her to the ground—unconscious, and covering her with sickness. You crawl across the floor, reaching for her, sliding your many arms over her sticky body, trying to remember the traditional dance of your species. It’s been a while, so you improvise.

What am I doing?

Sobriety smacks you in the face, and instantly you return to human form. You would be embarrassed if Sally wasn’t passed out. You’re about to pat her cheek to rouse her, when you remember that a few short moments ago, she had you tied, gagged, and was tormenting you. She even called you, Rachorin—a name few know or dare to whisper on your home planet.

You reach into your cupboard and pull out a glowing syringe. Hoping to immobilize Sally for questioning before the sheriff arrives, you stick her in the neck and plunge the contents into her bloodstream.

Her eyes pop open as you prop her up beside you on the floor. “What have you done?” she says, searching you with her eyes—the rest of her body frozen.

“I’m simply restraining you…the easy way.” You pull her toward you, wrapping your arms around her and kick at the chains that once held you captive.

“I wasn’t going to hurt you,” She coughs. Her face starts to turn an odd shade of purple and her eyes bulge. “It’s starting.”

“What?” you ask, as Sally begins to cough and gag, spitting foam and blood. The serum you administered was meant for your kind, you haven’t tested it on this type of hybrid, and it appears she is having some sort of adverse reaction. Her arms begin to flail, smacking you in the face. She falls on top of you, pinning you against the wall as she continues to spasm. She’s much heavier than you anticipated.

“Be still.” You try to wiggle toward the counter and feel for your medicine bag, but Sally makes it difficult as she continues to flop around on top of you. Grabbing the handle of your leather bag, you give it a good tug and pull it to the floor, spilling its contents in the puddle of sick.

“Come on, come on!” You attempt to fish for something to use, but everything slips and slides in the mess.

She’s bucking now, gurgling and hissing, and a strange smoke begins to rise from her head and chest. This is new—not something your species experiences, and while you’re fascinated with this discovery, Sally begins to make an even stranger noise.

Tickingard that beforenglder'nd. and organs, and releasing your stinking ash in the wind.pasm.g--anything e clicking a?

“Great,” you belch as Sally begins to pulse and glow, ticking.

Your ears pop.

Silence.

Time moves in slow-motion as you close your eyes and cover your head.

Millions of particles ignite and scream, evaporating the breath from your lungs and melting your eyeballs in their sockets. White light swallows you up, devouring your pseudo flesh and crumbling your alien organs, leaving the wind to disperse of your ashy remains as it pleases. 

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - SHOOTOUT AT THE E.T. CORRAL

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - SHOOTOUT AT THE E.T. CORRAL
by Jax Java

You urgently lead Sally toward Maggie, instructing Maggie to see Sally to the secret tunnel leading to the abandoned gold mine, “Get her out of here as fast as you can!” 

You barricade the door to the church and push as many pews as you can against it.  The hooves have slowed and you can hear voices shouting outside the steps.  You rush over to the altar and flip it over, revealing the secret cache of guns used to protect the church from marauders.  Loading up your tentacles with the finest weaponry God could make, you look up and see the two women staring at you with mouths gaping open.

“What are you waiting for?  GET OUT OF HERE NOW!”

The ladies turn and go to the preacher’s confessional, turning the lamp hanging by the door, which reveals a hidden panel entry to the tunnel.  With another glance of fear over their shoulders, they walk into the darkness. 

Relieved when you see the panel slide shut, you stride up the bell tower steps, taking them three at a time until you emerge in the blazing sun before the Biff and his posse in the courtyard below.

“I’m going to show you a real life close encounter of the third kind!” you shriek, raising your tentacles and taking aim.

The posse below raise their guns in retort. “Give her back and walk away,” Biff yells down the barrel of his gun.

“Not going to happen, not ever,” you yell back, cocking the guns and glaring against the sun.

“Game over! What are we going to do now? What are we gonna do?” Biff screamed back.

“How about we make a campfire, sing a couple of songs?” you sneer as you open fire, firing round after round of bullets in a storm of lead, gunsmoke and despair at the posse.

The posse dives and rolls out of range, firing back. You barely feel the bullets hitting you, as you continue firing until you run out of bullets.  You are woozy, your wounds mortal, you sway in the sun on top of the bell tower. You smile smugly to yourself knowing Sally is on her way to safety. Looking toward the sky and longing for home, you sway forward, over the railing and down the roof, dead before you hit the ground in the courtyard.

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - EAT, HOPE, PREY

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - EAT, HOPE, PREY
By Nathan Nixon

Sally looks at you and places her hand on your slightly discoloured jaw. “Doc, we've got to get out of here. Our kind isn't happy with either of us. You playing doctor for these humans, and me, being a mix breed; they’re gonna kill us if we don't leave town.” You raise your arm and place her hand in yours, removing her grip from your face. Her grip releasing, creates small sounds of suction popping. You look deep into her eyes, noticing her deep bulging green pupils. Slant, much like some sort of reptile. You watch as Sally changes her eyes at will, turning them brown to look more human.

 “There's a reason I left home Sally,” you console her. “This has more to do with me than you think.”

There's a loud boom downstairs, as one of the creatures kicks in the churches double doors. “We can talk about it later, right now we've got to save our slimy skins!” she yells.

You see a small window over-looking the roof of the church. You draw your gun from its holster with your right hand, and wrap your left arm around Sally's waist. Charging toward the window, you use the butt of the gun to break out every shard of glass. The creatures from back home surround the church outside. Riding up on what appears to be mutated horses. God knows what experiments they've been doing on these earth creatures. They close in on the church as you coax Sally to start out through the window. Still being the gentleman you are, you turn your head as she raises her dress to move her legs through the tiny opening, leading to the church rooftop. You point your laser gun in the attackers’ direction and begin firing. Sally starts to run across the church roof, slipping, she begins to slide in her Victorian style boots. She falls and lands on her bottom near the edge of the roof. From there, she removes her boots and stands barefoot. Her alien feet suction to the rooftop, much like a lizard of some sort. She now begins to run. You climb out the window and

chase in behind her. Lasers fly overhead as the creatures from back home, shoot in Sally's and your direction. You whistle loudly calling your steed. Now your horse runs toward your direction, waiting on the ground below.

 “Jump on the horse Sally!” you yell out over the sounds of lasers and bullets. Down on the ground you see the sheriff firing at the attackers, a pistol in each hand. Sally leaps from the roof and lands on your trusty steed. Then, suddenly... you hear a sound you haven’t heard since you left home.

Vrmmmmmmmm.

It's the sound of a teleporter. You turn to find a seven foot tall creature standing on the roof behind you. He's sporting an old familiar grin; a long dirty black duster jacket, and a black cowboy hat. His teeth razor sharp, and his eyes piercing into your soul. You recognize him.

 “It's been awhile.” he snarls, as he grabs you by your throat.

“So, they sent you, huh? The so-called greatest bounty hunter in the universe.”

 “Nothing so-called about it. I am, indeed, very much what they say.”

Tentacles begin to inch out from behind his coat, growing and sprouting. “After all I managed to track your ass down, didn't I? I even brought a few soldiers with me to help take you in. This is a nice little set up you got here. Little warm, but plenty to eat. I do enjoy some human flesh.”

Just then you hear a loud bang, and the bounty hunters head explodes. His carcass drops to the ground, as green slime explodes all over your face. His body loses its grip on you, and what's left of him falls off the church roof and onto the ground below. The sheriff is standing below, blowing the smoke off of his hot pistol. 

 “Greatest bounty hunter in the universe, my ass! Doc, get down here! You get this lady somewhere safe. I'll hold them off!”

 You jump off the roof and land between your horse and the carcass of the bounty hunter. Sally motions you to hurry. “Sheriff, you’re going to need my help,” you exclaim.

More of the creatures from back home make their way up the street. “No time for that, Doc, this woman needs to be taken somewhere safe! I can hold my own just fine.”

You nod in agreement, and climb up on your horse in front of Sally. Taking the reins as she holds onto you for dear life, her hands suctioned to you. The two of you ride off, leaving the town, with a dust trail behind. The sheriff stays, firing bullets and dodging lasers. He knows he won’t survive, but at least he'll go down with a fight. Unknown to him, the body of the bounty hunter begins to move. Slowly he grows back another head. He stands up, placing his hat back on. The sheriff turns to find the seven foot tall creature towering over him. “No need to cook him with your lasers boys, I'll eat this one raw!” the monster yells, before sinking his teeth into the Sheriffs throat, shredding him to pieces.

Way outside of town you continue riding with Sally, making your escape. Suddenly, the moment is interrupted by the familiar sound from back home.

Vrmmmmmmmmm

A flash of blue light appears, and in its center stands the world’s greatest bounty hunter.

The horse stops dead in its tracks, throwing you and Sally onto the ground. You begin to confront the attacker.

“You, you were dead! The Sheriff took your head clean off!”

 “I was never much like you or the others. Much like this little creature here,” he said, extending his tentacles and wrapping them around Sally. She began to scream, as he wrapped his slimy arm around her mouth, silencing her. “Nah, humans and your kind aren't the only intelligent beings in this strange universe of ours. I'm born from something greater. I can't die, unlike that puny snack of mine that you two called a sheriff!”

You climb to your feet, racing to rescue Sally from the Bounty Hunter. He drags her across the dirt into his clutches. He then extends another tentacle in your direction. Quickly you draw out your laser gun. You fire your weapon at the arm that's dragging Sally. It cuts the tentacle in half, leaving her bound on the ground. Angry, he directs his attention toward you. Extending another tentacle, he knocks your weapon to the ground. You now find yourself defenseless. He shoves his slimy appendages down your throat, choking you. Everything around you begins to fade. Slowly it grows darker and darker, your last sounds being your own choking, and Sally's screams.