BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.4 - GLEEPGLORP'S LAMENT

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.4 - GLEEPGLORP'S LAMENT

by Steven Novak

The sheriff is sprawled out on the ground, one hand cupping the wound on his shoulder, mustache slightly curled, a shit-eating grin spread across his stupid face.

He staggers to his feet with a grunt. “Heh. I told ya, Doc. Whatever you were before ya landed here is good n’ gone. Yer a part of this town, ya hear? There’s sand in yer blood, Earth dirt beneath your fingers, and whiskey in yer veins.”

His hand falls to your shoulder, fingers sliding across the slimy surface of the tentacle draped lazily over your shoulder. “Yer a saddle tramp, Doc. Raised on salt lick and browned by the sun of the south. There’s a giddy-up in yer step the likes of which I ain’t seen in damn near a hoolywang.”

Suddenly he’s smiling so bright he’s flashing the few teeth has left. His free hand lands on your other shoulder and gives it a pat. “And ya ain’t no yellow-belly varmint. I know ya ain’t about to vamoose n’ let the people of this town go up the spout. Yer better than that. Yer a healer, a dealer, and a hell of a card player. We’re yer friends.”

His hands slide up your neck and to your face, cupping your cheeks. He nods like he’s known you for years, like he’s your best friend, and your mother, and childhood pal GleebGlorp all rolled into one. “We’re yer family.”

He’s an idiot.

While he was busy nodding and waxing nostalgic about the one time you played poker, one of your tentacles was making its way up his back, heading for his neck. Before he can continue his babbling, you shut him up. Your tentacle wraps around his neck. Your muscles tighten.

His stupid head pops off.

Free from his body and airborne his head spins, spurting blood in every direction, shattered spine wiggling like a horses tail. It bounces off a table across the room and crashes into a monitor. When it finally comes to a stop, you notice the expression on the sheriff’s face.

He’s not smiling anymore.

When Sally screams you crack her in the chops, knock her into the wall, and put her to sleep.  There’s no reason to kill her. She might still be good for something. Weird half-human sex, maybe? She seemed pretty handy with those whips. So what if she double-crossed you? So what if she used her womanly wares to get the better of you? Made you look silly? Hurt your pride? Dented your ego? So what if she took advantage of you when you were at your lowest? When you falsely believed this backnebula planet and it’s backnebula lifeforms actually had something to offer? So what if GleepGlorp would’ve been ashamed of what you’ve become? So what if you do…

On second thought, fluuonk her.

Your tentacles dig into her chest, peel back her ribs and tear out her half-breed heart. It’s gross, not quite human and not quite you. It’s pink and purple, and speckled green. It’s an abomination.

Her father should be ashamed.

Fluuonk them all.

With a few tweaks of the levers and dials in front of you the saloon unfolds from your ship once again, crushing three or four slack-jawed locals in the process. 

Fluuonk them too.

You don’t need this place, or these creatures. You never did. You only became a “doctor” because you found it hilariously ironic. You don’t save stuff. You kill stuff. You’ve always killed stuff.

The blood from Sally and Sheriff begins to pool at your feet, green and red, human and alien, and all sort of nastiness. It’s going to be a pain in one of your three rectums to clean up. Still, it was worth it.

GleepGlorp would be proud.

By the time you exit the saloon the locals are have already gathered. Some of them are pointing guns in your direction. Others are cowering behind barrels or peeking through windows. A lot of them are screaming.

You’d roll your eyes, but its more effort than they’re worth.

You’re going to do what you should have done long ago. You’re going to corral these creatures like they corral the lifeforms lower than them. You’re going to strip them bare, shackle them, and teach them a rather harsh lesson about hubris, and their place in the universe, and the grand scheme of things. It’s long overdue.

A rock hits your head. Another bounces off your chest. One of them unloads a shotgun in your direction and it ricochets off the Rumanetic Forcefield you’ve erected around your body. Another fires his revolver. Three of his friends follow his lead. It takes nearly a minute and a half of pointless shooting before they realize it’s accomplishing nothing. When the shooting stops, old Mildred McGraw chucks her cat.

Oh yes, this is so incredibly overdue.

As you move from the saloon and into the street, your tentacles spread in every direction, tips twitching, suction cups drooling. “Now that you’ve gotten that out of your system.”

Hansen McGillicutty lunges at you from behind, knife raised, gritting through yellow-stained teeth and a beard in desperate need of a trim. “Ya son of a bitch! Gonna gut yer hear…”

He slams into your forcefield face-first, smashes his nose and chokes on his own blood. You rip his arm from his torso and use it to knock Mildred McGraw on her ass.

That’s for the cat.

Most of the crowd screams. Some of them start to cry. A few of them run. You extend a second forcefield further down the block and chuckle when they slam into it.

GleepGlorp would have loved that.

When they realize there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do, most of the crowd gives up, staring in your direction with unbelieving eyes. The time has come. The end is near. Those that believe in God, have come to the grim realization that you are it.  

It’s almost enough to make you grin.

“Most of you probably know me as Doc, but that is a foolish title, given by foolish lifeforms, on a shphithole planet at the ass-end of the universe. I am tired of tending to you. I’m sick of doing my best to heal your injures! I’m sick of pretending that I care what happens to your fragile bodies!”

You point to a skinny man near the back of the crowd. “You, Charles Smith! I inserted my finger into your rectum to check your prostate! I did that! That’s something I did to keep you from learning what I was! Do you have any idea how humiliating that was for me? Do you?”

Before Charles can respond you knock him through the window of a dress shop.

“I am through! My days of seeing to your sniffles, and coughs, and pains are history! The time has come for you to learn your place! To be treated like the ghastly, poorly constructed, weak-bodies monstrosities you are! The time has come for you to clean my bedpan! To bring me food! To stick your fingers in my rectum! The time has come to lear…”

The saloon behind you explodes, transforming into a fireball of splintered wood, and scaled steel, shooting in every direction. The inferno engulfs everything, scatters the crowd, tossing bodies, and removing limbs, bathing the street in blood and cooking flesh. The forcefield falls from your body. When you hit the dirt you hit hard. When you hit it again, you hit harder. For a moment you’re spinning, caught in the blaze, surrounded by fire and smoke, unable to determine up from down, tips of your tendrils on fire. You don’t stop spinning until you hit a horse, knock it over and wind up waist deep in its trough.

Before you open your eyes you hear the familiar hum of a ship, hovering somewhere above, obscured by the smoke and debris. Trexlarion Panels shift. Energy weapons recharge. The bounty hunter.

You forgot about the damn bounty hunter.

You don’t see the shot that blasts you to atoms.

GleepGlorp would be ashamed.

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - EAT, HOPE, PREY

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - EAT, HOPE, PREY
By Nathan Nixon

Sally looks at you and places her hand on your slightly discoloured jaw. “Doc, we've got to get out of here. Our kind isn't happy with either of us. You playing doctor for these humans, and me, being a mix breed; they’re gonna kill us if we don't leave town.” You raise your arm and place her hand in yours, removing her grip from your face. Her grip releasing, creates small sounds of suction popping. You look deep into her eyes, noticing her deep bulging green pupils. Slant, much like some sort of reptile. You watch as Sally changes her eyes at will, turning them brown to look more human.

 “There's a reason I left home Sally,” you console her. “This has more to do with me than you think.”

There's a loud boom downstairs, as one of the creatures kicks in the churches double doors. “We can talk about it later, right now we've got to save our slimy skins!” she yells.

You see a small window over-looking the roof of the church. You draw your gun from its holster with your right hand, and wrap your left arm around Sally's waist. Charging toward the window, you use the butt of the gun to break out every shard of glass. The creatures from back home surround the church outside. Riding up on what appears to be mutated horses. God knows what experiments they've been doing on these earth creatures. They close in on the church as you coax Sally to start out through the window. Still being the gentleman you are, you turn your head as she raises her dress to move her legs through the tiny opening, leading to the church rooftop. You point your laser gun in the attackers’ direction and begin firing. Sally starts to run across the church roof, slipping, she begins to slide in her Victorian style boots. She falls and lands on her bottom near the edge of the roof. From there, she removes her boots and stands barefoot. Her alien feet suction to the rooftop, much like a lizard of some sort. She now begins to run. You climb out the window and

chase in behind her. Lasers fly overhead as the creatures from back home, shoot in Sally's and your direction. You whistle loudly calling your steed. Now your horse runs toward your direction, waiting on the ground below.

 “Jump on the horse Sally!” you yell out over the sounds of lasers and bullets. Down on the ground you see the sheriff firing at the attackers, a pistol in each hand. Sally leaps from the roof and lands on your trusty steed. Then, suddenly... you hear a sound you haven’t heard since you left home.

Vrmmmmmmmm.

It's the sound of a teleporter. You turn to find a seven foot tall creature standing on the roof behind you. He's sporting an old familiar grin; a long dirty black duster jacket, and a black cowboy hat. His teeth razor sharp, and his eyes piercing into your soul. You recognize him.

 “It's been awhile.” he snarls, as he grabs you by your throat.

“So, they sent you, huh? The so-called greatest bounty hunter in the universe.”

 “Nothing so-called about it. I am, indeed, very much what they say.”

Tentacles begin to inch out from behind his coat, growing and sprouting. “After all I managed to track your ass down, didn't I? I even brought a few soldiers with me to help take you in. This is a nice little set up you got here. Little warm, but plenty to eat. I do enjoy some human flesh.”

Just then you hear a loud bang, and the bounty hunters head explodes. His carcass drops to the ground, as green slime explodes all over your face. His body loses its grip on you, and what's left of him falls off the church roof and onto the ground below. The sheriff is standing below, blowing the smoke off of his hot pistol. 

 “Greatest bounty hunter in the universe, my ass! Doc, get down here! You get this lady somewhere safe. I'll hold them off!”

 You jump off the roof and land between your horse and the carcass of the bounty hunter. Sally motions you to hurry. “Sheriff, you’re going to need my help,” you exclaim.

More of the creatures from back home make their way up the street. “No time for that, Doc, this woman needs to be taken somewhere safe! I can hold my own just fine.”

You nod in agreement, and climb up on your horse in front of Sally. Taking the reins as she holds onto you for dear life, her hands suctioned to you. The two of you ride off, leaving the town, with a dust trail behind. The sheriff stays, firing bullets and dodging lasers. He knows he won’t survive, but at least he'll go down with a fight. Unknown to him, the body of the bounty hunter begins to move. Slowly he grows back another head. He stands up, placing his hat back on. The sheriff turns to find the seven foot tall creature towering over him. “No need to cook him with your lasers boys, I'll eat this one raw!” the monster yells, before sinking his teeth into the Sheriffs throat, shredding him to pieces.

Way outside of town you continue riding with Sally, making your escape. Suddenly, the moment is interrupted by the familiar sound from back home.

Vrmmmmmmmmm

A flash of blue light appears, and in its center stands the world’s greatest bounty hunter.

The horse stops dead in its tracks, throwing you and Sally onto the ground. You begin to confront the attacker.

“You, you were dead! The Sheriff took your head clean off!”

 “I was never much like you or the others. Much like this little creature here,” he said, extending his tentacles and wrapping them around Sally. She began to scream, as he wrapped his slimy arm around her mouth, silencing her. “Nah, humans and your kind aren't the only intelligent beings in this strange universe of ours. I'm born from something greater. I can't die, unlike that puny snack of mine that you two called a sheriff!”

You climb to your feet, racing to rescue Sally from the Bounty Hunter. He drags her across the dirt into his clutches. He then extends another tentacle in your direction. Quickly you draw out your laser gun. You fire your weapon at the arm that's dragging Sally. It cuts the tentacle in half, leaving her bound on the ground. Angry, he directs his attention toward you. Extending another tentacle, he knocks your weapon to the ground. You now find yourself defenseless. He shoves his slimy appendages down your throat, choking you. Everything around you begins to fade. Slowly it grows darker and darker, your last sounds being your own choking, and Sally's screams.