BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.3 - DIE ANOTHER DEATH

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.3 - DIE ANOTHER DEATH

by Mandy Ward

After squirming and slithering around for a bit, the chains, blindfold and gag are no longer an issue.

Sally stares at you. “But… I thought… you were a…”

“A what?” you ask, rising up on four of your eight tentacles to tower over her. “A hybrid like you?” you laugh. “I am so much more than that.”

Using the other four tentacles, you simultaneously chain Sally up, undress and flay the body of her father, then wrap the remains in the sheet, stowing it untidily under a bench near the back of the office, a blood trail leading from the table to the bench.

Sally looks at the neatly flayed skin you hold in one tentacle. “What are you going to do with that?”

I’m going to walk out of here.” You change back to human form and then extend your tongue tentacle to the skin. With a bit of concentration you reshape your human form to the genetic pattern held in the skin and change the skin’s form to match your original one.

Throwing the skin at her feet, you smile. “Try explaining that one.”

“But they’ll hang me for murder!” She looks at you, horrified as you gently put the gag into place.

“Yes, yes they will.” You dress yourself in her father’s clothes, leaving your normal clothes piled on the floor suggestively. “And you deserve it.”

Stopping beside the door, you listen to what is going on in the street. There appears to have been a cessation of the fight the sheriff was orchestrating so you decide to make your break for it.

Stepping boldly out of the door, you tip your hat to Sally “Thank you for the relief, Ma’am.” And shut the door behind you.

You unwrap the reins of your horse from the rail and mount, moving confidently and ignoring anyone else in the street.

Vmmmmmmm….

Oh shit. You think as you turn your head to see a seven foot tall figure in a long black coat and dusty black Stetson. “You. Hello Hunter.”

“It’s been a long time, Rachorin.” The figure waves a gun. “Get down off that horse and move over to the middle of the street, nice and slowly.”

“I’m not going back.” You say, staying where you are.

“Your Father insists.” The figure says, aiming the laser at you. “Get off the horse. I really don’t like killing dumb animals.”

Tentacles whip out from under the coat, taking you by surprise and yanking you off the horse, holding you with one leg. The figure grins, sharp teeth gleaming in the sunlight as it shakes you around.

“So much for just walking out of here.” You sigh and change form, your tentacles wrestling with his like a pair of octopi sharing a peanut butter jar. “Let go.

“No. I don’t have to take all of you back to your father remember.” The figure’s grin splits his head in half. “A single tentacle will be enough to clone you.”

You feel the sharp burst of pain as he shoots and severs one of your tentacles. He scoops the tentacle up, deposits it into a stasis jar and puts the jar into his coat pocket. “That should do it.”

You blink. “what now?”

His grin disappears. “How about we see how fast you can run?” He aims the laser at the dirt in front of you and fires, the heat of the blast cooking the dirt into solid clay.

In this form, not particularly fast. You gulp and change back to human form. Only to realise half way through the change, that the tentacle Hunter shot off was the one that formed your human head.

The last thing you see is the street fading into black and Hunter taking aim at you. The last thing you hear is the hum of the laser and the last thing you feel is intense agony as the human form you have taken on is turned into charcoal.

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.3 - ALIENS IN BONDAGE

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.3 - ALIENS IN BONDAGE

by James McShane

Before you come to the realisation that you’re making this up as you go, you grab Sally’s arm roughly and drag her with you out of the attic. You have a semblance of a plan in your head, but it requires an element of luck. You hope that this is the one moment in this forsaken day that luck with fall your way.

And as it happens, it does – here comes the sheriff, and he’s brought a small posse with him. You love a good posse. You and Sally meet him at the back of the church.

“I’m going to need you to create a distraction, Sheriff,” you say hastily. “I have reason to believe that Sally here knows a good deal about what’s going down with our guest back at the town.”

“That’s why I came a-runnin’,” the sheriff says. “Our mutual friend is muttering this here lady’s name under his breath. I’m a-thinkin’ they know each other.”

This guy paid attention at sheriff school, you think. Nothing much is going to pass him by. Best make speed.

“I’ll bring her with me,” you say as you catch a couple of spare horses. “Any chance you can gain us some wriggle room?” You cock your head in the direction of Biff’s lynch mob. “They may impede our progress.” The sheriff nods his head eagerly.

“Me and the boys love us a good punch-up,” he says way too enthusiastically. “The letter of the law shall be applied this day.” He turns to his men. “Let’s go, boys. The doc and his ladyfriend need to solve themselves a mystery.”

“That’s not all they need to do,” a voice from the back says. “I think they mean to get down and dirty. I hear that Sally one has a liking for ropes and blindfolds.”

Your female companion gets a touch indignant. “Is that you, Slack Harry?” she cries out. “The last time I saw you, you were paying me very well for my services. You said I was the best Dom you ever had.”

“Yeah,” Harry says, stepping out from behind the sheriff. “And I have the bruises to show for it.”

You turn to Sally. “Now is not the time or place to discuss your peccadilloes. We have to go see that al…fellow back in my room.” You jump on the horse. Ride, Sally. Ride.”

You leave the sheriff, Slack Harry, and the rest of the posse to create a disturbance, enabling you and Sally to make it back to the wounded alien quickly and in one piece.  When you arrive on the scene, the patient is in full human form and appears to be sleeping rather than passed out. He appears healed. But you kind of knew that was going to happen.

“Do you recognise him?” you ask Sally.

She shrugs. “He looks a lot younger than he did when they took him away to hang him, but that’s my daddy.” You nod, because you knew this.  “Let him sleep a bit more,” she continues. “When he wakes, he will tell you everything you need to know.”

You go to a cupboard and take out a bottle of hooch. It’s all you can afford on your doctor’s salary. You’re not a big drinker but you keep it around – for medicinal purposes. You pour a couple of healthy measures for the two of you.

“Tell me about the ropes and blindfolds,” you say hesitantly. You swig back the full contents of your drink and then refill your glass.  Sally gets a twinkle in her eyes. You stare straight back at her. “I’m asking a serious question,” you say.

The man on the table moans in his sleep. You can see that already his form is beginning to change once more. You don’t have much time before the same thing starts to happen to you. Maybe to Sally, too, seeing that she’s progeny. You know what happens to your kind once you get, well, excited.

“A lot of my customers ask to be dominated,” Sally says. “I’m not just a songstress. I possess more than just a beautiful voice. I provide that which modern science and Christian faith does not and cannot provide.”

You knock back your second shot and pour yourself a third. Sally has yet to start her first. You are coming close to the point of no return, but you can’t contain your urges that much longer. Now you know why Sally contacted you. She knows your weakness. She inherited that knowledge from her father. But even so, you’re powerless to prevent what happens next.

“What do you provide then?” you ask in a hushed tone.

“Relief,” she whispers as she moves closer. “Solace. A place in which a person can become truly him- or herself. I provide to both male and female. Sometimes at once,” she adds winking at you. “I brought something with me.” She rummages through her bag and takes out a long black silk eye mask, a three foot length of chain, some rope, and a ball gag. It was a big bag, but you didn’t think it could carry all that. But then you realise, the material it’s made from isn’t from this planet. After your fourth shot (yes, you poured another drink as Sally emptied the contents of her bag), you’ve become slightly inebriated. Your excitement is reaching fever point; the point where your species begins to differ from humankind (aside from the odd flash of tentacle, that is). Sally knows this and you wonder why she’s acting against her nature. Surely she should be on the side of her family.

Her father opens his eyes and peers at his daughter. “Sally?” he mutters. “What is happening to you? Why are you here?”

Sally reaches into bag once more and takes out a two foot stiletto. Without engaging her father in any conversation, she plunges the dagger into his right eye. He stiffens, spasms, then falls still. He is as dead as he should have been when Sally obviously shot him earlier. By this stage you’re hoping for some more luck. You hope that the sheriff has finished off Biff and the gang, and is on his way back here now.

Sally moves swiftly. With a skill set that can only come from a true professional, she has you chained up, blindfolded, and gagged. She teases the point of her stiletto up and down your cheek. You are in danger, you know this, but you cannot help but be aroused.

“He is on his way for you now, Rachorin,” she says, using your given name. “I have you all wrapped up nice and neat. The only thing missing is a bow.”

It is then that your form begins to change.

You consider your options. 


A. You wait for the sheriff to come and save the day, allowing you ample time to question Sally about what the hell is going on.

B. You transform completely into your alien form, at which time anything could happen.

C. You manage to escape your bonds and change places with Sally. 

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - SHOOTOUT AT THE E.T. CORRAL

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - SHOOTOUT AT THE E.T. CORRAL
by Jax Java

You urgently lead Sally toward Maggie, instructing Maggie to see Sally to the secret tunnel leading to the abandoned gold mine, “Get her out of here as fast as you can!” 

You barricade the door to the church and push as many pews as you can against it.  The hooves have slowed and you can hear voices shouting outside the steps.  You rush over to the altar and flip it over, revealing the secret cache of guns used to protect the church from marauders.  Loading up your tentacles with the finest weaponry God could make, you look up and see the two women staring at you with mouths gaping open.

“What are you waiting for?  GET OUT OF HERE NOW!”

The ladies turn and go to the preacher’s confessional, turning the lamp hanging by the door, which reveals a hidden panel entry to the tunnel.  With another glance of fear over their shoulders, they walk into the darkness. 

Relieved when you see the panel slide shut, you stride up the bell tower steps, taking them three at a time until you emerge in the blazing sun before the Biff and his posse in the courtyard below.

“I’m going to show you a real life close encounter of the third kind!” you shriek, raising your tentacles and taking aim.

The posse below raise their guns in retort. “Give her back and walk away,” Biff yells down the barrel of his gun.

“Not going to happen, not ever,” you yell back, cocking the guns and glaring against the sun.

“Game over! What are we going to do now? What are we gonna do?” Biff screamed back.

“How about we make a campfire, sing a couple of songs?” you sneer as you open fire, firing round after round of bullets in a storm of lead, gunsmoke and despair at the posse.

The posse dives and rolls out of range, firing back. You barely feel the bullets hitting you, as you continue firing until you run out of bullets.  You are woozy, your wounds mortal, you sway in the sun on top of the bell tower. You smile smugly to yourself knowing Sally is on her way to safety. Looking toward the sky and longing for home, you sway forward, over the railing and down the roof, dead before you hit the ground in the courtyard.

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - EAT, HOPE, PREY

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.2 - EAT, HOPE, PREY
By Nathan Nixon

Sally looks at you and places her hand on your slightly discoloured jaw. “Doc, we've got to get out of here. Our kind isn't happy with either of us. You playing doctor for these humans, and me, being a mix breed; they’re gonna kill us if we don't leave town.” You raise your arm and place her hand in yours, removing her grip from your face. Her grip releasing, creates small sounds of suction popping. You look deep into her eyes, noticing her deep bulging green pupils. Slant, much like some sort of reptile. You watch as Sally changes her eyes at will, turning them brown to look more human.

 “There's a reason I left home Sally,” you console her. “This has more to do with me than you think.”

There's a loud boom downstairs, as one of the creatures kicks in the churches double doors. “We can talk about it later, right now we've got to save our slimy skins!” she yells.

You see a small window over-looking the roof of the church. You draw your gun from its holster with your right hand, and wrap your left arm around Sally's waist. Charging toward the window, you use the butt of the gun to break out every shard of glass. The creatures from back home surround the church outside. Riding up on what appears to be mutated horses. God knows what experiments they've been doing on these earth creatures. They close in on the church as you coax Sally to start out through the window. Still being the gentleman you are, you turn your head as she raises her dress to move her legs through the tiny opening, leading to the church rooftop. You point your laser gun in the attackers’ direction and begin firing. Sally starts to run across the church roof, slipping, she begins to slide in her Victorian style boots. She falls and lands on her bottom near the edge of the roof. From there, she removes her boots and stands barefoot. Her alien feet suction to the rooftop, much like a lizard of some sort. She now begins to run. You climb out the window and

chase in behind her. Lasers fly overhead as the creatures from back home, shoot in Sally's and your direction. You whistle loudly calling your steed. Now your horse runs toward your direction, waiting on the ground below.

 “Jump on the horse Sally!” you yell out over the sounds of lasers and bullets. Down on the ground you see the sheriff firing at the attackers, a pistol in each hand. Sally leaps from the roof and lands on your trusty steed. Then, suddenly... you hear a sound you haven’t heard since you left home.

Vrmmmmmmmm.

It's the sound of a teleporter. You turn to find a seven foot tall creature standing on the roof behind you. He's sporting an old familiar grin; a long dirty black duster jacket, and a black cowboy hat. His teeth razor sharp, and his eyes piercing into your soul. You recognize him.

 “It's been awhile.” he snarls, as he grabs you by your throat.

“So, they sent you, huh? The so-called greatest bounty hunter in the universe.”

 “Nothing so-called about it. I am, indeed, very much what they say.”

Tentacles begin to inch out from behind his coat, growing and sprouting. “After all I managed to track your ass down, didn't I? I even brought a few soldiers with me to help take you in. This is a nice little set up you got here. Little warm, but plenty to eat. I do enjoy some human flesh.”

Just then you hear a loud bang, and the bounty hunters head explodes. His carcass drops to the ground, as green slime explodes all over your face. His body loses its grip on you, and what's left of him falls off the church roof and onto the ground below. The sheriff is standing below, blowing the smoke off of his hot pistol. 

 “Greatest bounty hunter in the universe, my ass! Doc, get down here! You get this lady somewhere safe. I'll hold them off!”

 You jump off the roof and land between your horse and the carcass of the bounty hunter. Sally motions you to hurry. “Sheriff, you’re going to need my help,” you exclaim.

More of the creatures from back home make their way up the street. “No time for that, Doc, this woman needs to be taken somewhere safe! I can hold my own just fine.”

You nod in agreement, and climb up on your horse in front of Sally. Taking the reins as she holds onto you for dear life, her hands suctioned to you. The two of you ride off, leaving the town, with a dust trail behind. The sheriff stays, firing bullets and dodging lasers. He knows he won’t survive, but at least he'll go down with a fight. Unknown to him, the body of the bounty hunter begins to move. Slowly he grows back another head. He stands up, placing his hat back on. The sheriff turns to find the seven foot tall creature towering over him. “No need to cook him with your lasers boys, I'll eat this one raw!” the monster yells, before sinking his teeth into the Sheriffs throat, shredding him to pieces.

Way outside of town you continue riding with Sally, making your escape. Suddenly, the moment is interrupted by the familiar sound from back home.

Vrmmmmmmmmm

A flash of blue light appears, and in its center stands the world’s greatest bounty hunter.

The horse stops dead in its tracks, throwing you and Sally onto the ground. You begin to confront the attacker.

“You, you were dead! The Sheriff took your head clean off!”

 “I was never much like you or the others. Much like this little creature here,” he said, extending his tentacles and wrapping them around Sally. She began to scream, as he wrapped his slimy arm around her mouth, silencing her. “Nah, humans and your kind aren't the only intelligent beings in this strange universe of ours. I'm born from something greater. I can't die, unlike that puny snack of mine that you two called a sheriff!”

You climb to your feet, racing to rescue Sally from the Bounty Hunter. He drags her across the dirt into his clutches. He then extends another tentacle in your direction. Quickly you draw out your laser gun. You fire your weapon at the arm that's dragging Sally. It cuts the tentacle in half, leaving her bound on the ground. Angry, he directs his attention toward you. Extending another tentacle, he knocks your weapon to the ground. You now find yourself defenseless. He shoves his slimy appendages down your throat, choking you. Everything around you begins to fade. Slowly it grows darker and darker, your last sounds being your own choking, and Sally's screams.

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH. 1 - LONG ARMS OF THE LAW

BLAZING SADDLES, SMOKING TENTACLES CH.1 - LONG ARMS OF THE LAW

By Annie Evett

A tumble weed blows dramatically across the dusty main street of Mulder’s Lot. You grin at the cliched scene, taken directly out of the penny westerns stacked high in the tiny dusty room above the General Store you call both home and your control centre. You squint as grit blasts into your eyes, and untie the scarf which, until now, has sat fashionably round your neck. You’ve studied hard to fit into this town and although you’ve stayed longer than your posting normally allows, you find the inhabitants quaint and on occasions, interesting. 

Pulling your felt hat firmly over your ears, you adjust the tilt of it in the General Supply Store window and made your way to the Grand Hotel for your customary late afternoon drink in the saloon, away from the noisier public bar. On your way, you nod to the preacher who is busy painting the church steps and exchange pleasantries with his wife. She stutters a greeting, but never meets your eyes. You’ve managed to fool most of the townsfolk, but you suspect she can see past your elaborate disguises and harbours a suspicion that you are not all that you seem to be. It may of course be your initial choice of body type which makes her uncomfortable, but you decide to keep a closer eye on her, as it wouldn’t do to be discovered. 

The Grand Hotel glows with a friendly light in the fading afternoon sun. The sophisticated tinkling of the pianist’s tunes cuts through the suddenly still hot air. Crickets begin to sing alongside the musician.

Getting closer, you discover a crowd around the front entrance, all eyes entranced by the show taking place inside. As you push your way through the doors, you understand the silence, now mesmerised by the glamorous songstress slowly making her way down the staircase. Her song, simple and sweet, dripped of promise as she slithers around the room; lightly touching men’s hands or faces as she goes. She waves dramatically as she finishes her song and slips out through the swinging doors of the Saloon. You wonder if it is a good idea to drink there now. 

The pianist strikes a lively tune, the hypnotic effect the songstress has had on the town folk immediately dispells.  You nod to the barman, who fills a tumbler with a pale liquor and sends it down the wooden boards. He gestures toward the Saloon. “Doc, you’d best take your drink in there. You know some folk don’t like it when you drink here.” He slides a small folded note towards you and winks. You pocket it to read it later.

You hear galloping horses up the dusty main street with a sudden halt further down the street. You already know it’s outside our office ,and from the banging on the door, the visitor is keen to employer your services. You gulp down the fiery liquid and prepare yourself for what’s to come.  

Running feet down the street are followed by the doors of the hotel swinging open and the music stops dramatically. A bored group playing cards shift their eyes, hoping for new players, but upon seeing who it is, bury their faces behind their make-or-break, chance-driven selections from the grimy deck and try not to look up again.

The bucktoothed deputy’s eyes dart around the space and fix on you. “Doc, ya gotta come quick. We got ourselves and E - mergency"   

You push yourself away from the bar and follow him down the street towards your surgery which also doubles as the town’s pharmacy. Sheriff Rogers, red faced from the exertion of riding hard stares at you for a moment. 

“I know we don't always see eye to eye, Doc, you bein’, well, the way you are, but this here is one if your, 'erm, folk. You'd be the best to help them.”

You blush with both anger and embarrassment. You’d thought you'd managed to conceal yourself from the sheriff especially, and wonder again if it’s the body choice, or something else he means. 

Your eyes wander towards his horse and the shape covered in a blanket and tied to his pack horse. A green tentacle peeps from under the blanket. This leaves no doubt what he means with his comment on “your folk” and suddenly you have a greater level of respect for the peacemaker of the town. You nod, and between the sheriff, the bumbling efforts of the deputy, and yourself, you manage to drag the body into your office and up onto the table.

You look at the deputy and raise an eyebrow at the sheriff. He shrugs and taps his head. “Aint nothin' much up there, and we are gunna need the help.”

You stare at the sheriff. “What do you mean?”

The sheriff pulls the blanket away from the body, revealing a human form attached with a distinctly scaled tentacle, charred and battle torn.  “I don’t mind you folk mosying round the plains, but when you start to fight, it just gets dang messy.” He points to the prone figure. “And when you don’t change back properly, it just leaves questions, which I normally gotta clean up.”

You lean on the table, unable to fully comprehend how you’ve misread the sheriff.

“Now there are a few more up near the old gold mine hiding out, most likely beat up but not injured like this one. You gotta tell them to move on. It’ll come better from one of their own folk.”

The figure stirs and groans. Apart from some laser burns which you know will heal within a few hours, the alien is in good shape and will just need time to regenerate and reform into human shape. 

You have some choices to make?

Do You:

A: Remember the folded paper from the hotel and find that it’s a handwritten note from the songstress, desperate for your help, and leave the alien with the sheriff and find out what she may need?

B: Decide to wait with the groaning figure on your table and find out what they are doing on your part of the planet?

C: Go with the Sheriff to reason with the aliens in the gold mine?

SEASON 5 HAS ARRIVED!

It’s been too long, hasn’t it? You thought we’d forgotten you, right? Wrong. After two long years, season 5 is nearly upon us. The only thing left to do is for you, our adoring and long-suffering (not to mention patient) fans and readers to pick the story you want us to write.

Read through the following story lines and then pick your favourite. It’s as simple as playing Candy Crush ad infinitum. We’ve all done this, right? Now it’s time to put us writers to the test. Choose wisely, people. Your species depends on making the right choice.

Polls close next Monday. Be nice.

THE CHOICES

1. You are the town’s only medical practitioner in the deepest west in the early 1800s. Your ramshackle office doubles as the pharmacy and outpost general store. You hear galloping horses up the dusty main street with a sudden halt outside your veranda. The door flings open and the sheriff, red faced pleads with you to come help with a patient.

 “I know we don't always see eye to eye Doc, you bein’, well, the way you are, but this here is one if your 'erm, folk. You'd be the best to help them.”

 You blush with both anger and embarrassment. You've worked hard for years to fit into the town and had thought you'd managed to hide your difference. You follow the Sheriff out to his horse to see a shape covered in a blanket and tied to his pack horse. A green tentacle peeps from under the blanket. You nod, and both you and the Sheriff go to bring the body in to your office.

2. You are at the cutting edge of Victorian science, insomuch as you like to cut people up… you, know, FOR SCIENCE! Today is the day you unveil you latest abomination, but first you need the parts. Was it the legs of a fashion model and the arms of a body builder, or vice-versa? Did you lay in a fresh supply of brains? One false move and you’ll have the local peasantry at your gates wanting to offer you an excellent deal on used farm implements and torches.  What’s their problem, you’re only playing God! FOOLS! Have your best maniacal laugh ready and sharpen your scalpels, Doctor, they don’t call it Mad Science for nothing …

3. You've been cast as an extra on a new sci-fi series on a major television network. Your cousin, one of the writers for the show, lets it slip that you’ve impressed the director. He casually mentions that if a more significant role were to become available, you might be considered for the part. He also leaks another project he is working on—a revolutionary reality series that tests the boundaries of human behavior with the promise of fame and glory, as well as the coveted lead in a project that’s in-the-works. It’s all great news, and you’re willing to do just about anything for a role—even if it means eliminating your competition, hijacking the script, or blindly signing on to a kill-or-be-killed dating show.

4. You write erotic fiction, nonsense fuck stories about chiseled abs, and romance, and dowdy women finding themselves sexually when they discover chiseled abs. Sometimes there's also a whip. It's all very silly. You write a lot of it. You sell even more. It pays for your car, and your second car, and the golf cart you drive to the guest house when you want to "get away from it all."

Your life is perfect.

Until your "greatest fan" arrives.

5. You and you friend, Tony, decide to go to the circus. As you sit under the tent, the clowns run into the ring. You've never liked clowns and these look scarier than all the clowns you've ever seen. You look for a way to leave but Tony won't let you go anywhere. During all the chaos with the scary clowns an elephant knocks over the post holding the tent up, sending the big top crashing down. Worse than that, the huge wooden pillar is falling toward you. Suddenly a trap door opens in the sawdust at your feet and a clown tries to pull you down a tunnel . . .

6. You dive over the hood of the car as the building explodes. Yelling in your radio for your partner, you risk a glance at the street and discover-to your horror-the explosion has not contained the zombie epidemic. The animated corpses of Girl Scouts begin to surround you. You never signed up for this, you were quite content riding out your life slugging free Slurpees at work. How could you know the nacho cheese you poured onto customers nachos would be the perfect chemical cocktail for the apocalypse. You shake your head to clear the thought and realize you are now surrounded by the Scouts.

7. In the not too distant future, only one telecommunication company has survived to provide the world with television, Internet and phone service.

It is the day before the series finale of Fancy Chair Gambit, a fantasy program in which ten thousand different families have vied with one another to rule the kingdom. Over the past twenty years fans have watched in rapt attention as person after person has been killed off until there are literally only two people left in the kingdom and everyone must know, will it be a Barren or a Sanmix who sits upon the fancy chair.

   Suddenly, every screen in the world goes blank. A man, driven mad over the ridiculous seventy three hour window of time someone needing service or installation must wait without leaving his home, has taken over the broadcast and will not release television to the people.

It is up to you, as the leader of an elite team of tv service providers, to stop this man and return television and internet to the world before it is too late!

8. You wake up to the worst hangover you can imagine.

It feels like you've got the percussion section of the London Philharmonic behind your eyes playing the 1812 overture; your tongue tastes like a donkey pissed on it and your body is in shock that you're still alive.

When you can finally move your head, you realise that you are lying on a hospital bed wrapped in bandages and there are reporters being held back from the entrance to the ward you are on. Your fellow patients appear to be looking at you as if you'd just grown horns and a tail. And going by the movement under the sheet covering you, that last one might be true.

And you can't remember what happened last night or who you are. What do you do next? Wait until you can accost some nurse and demand answers or haul your mummified arse out of bed and track down your memories?

9. Dr. William Glass gave you his new "glass heart" Artificial heart when you were dying as a baby. Your parents were told that you would need a new one every few years. Unfortunately the glass heart was a design that never caught on, and having one makes you incapable of obtaining the Newer artificial Heart.

You have about six months left on your ticker to hunt down Dr. Glass and get him to fix you up.

10. You are an award-winning baker. Your cakes, buns, cookies, and breads are the *ahem* toast of gastronomes everywhere. But your fame isn’t just global; it’s interstellar. Representatives (also known as the Invading Forces) of the Magellan System have ordered you to bake for their ailing emperor. Failure to do so will result in the instant extermination of the human race. It’s time to Bake or Die.